


Asphyxiate

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: American Sign Language, Flashbacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:36:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: Bucky has a nightmare, more of a flashback. And it causes some... issues.Inspired by (and attempted to be written in the style of) the lovely fic “despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained)”





	Asphyxiate

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823671) by [praximeter (Zimario)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zimario/pseuds/praximeter). 



It hurt. Hurt, hurt, hurt-

No he-

He never got away.

They were going to- shock, shock, shock, forget- RESET.

Cant breathe- can’t-

Tap, tap, tap, drag his fingers, tap, tap-

In his cryotube. Stuck-

Can’t see out- it’s frozen-

Tap, tap, tap, drag- on the glass.

Rough hands, a blonde, glasses- RESET. Shock- shock, shock.

* * *

“-ok now. Buck it was just a dream.”

What?

“-gotta stop Buck, you gotta calm-”

Stop what?

“Just take some deep breaths with me. 1- 2- 3- just like that. You’re doing so-”

Don’t say good. Not good. Can’t BREATHE.

“-safe now, I promise. We’re in our-”

Listen. Listen. _STOP_ losing time. You can’t-

Where was he?

His hands: _Where please where_

“In our bed. In the cabin Tony gave us.” He breathed. He. _Steve._

_Steve Steve Steve_

“I’m right here. I promise. Not going anywhere.”

_What? Stop?_

Stop what, stop what, stop what. What was upsetting Steve, why did he look so-

“Your scratching your face.”

Of course I am. ITS BACK Steve can’t you see?

_Back, back, face, back._

“Bucky, feel your skin for me. It’s not there. It’s not. I promise.”

What? What was he- soft skin.

Soft skin with tiny bumps where hair was starting to grow and-

His nose. He could FEEL it.

“There you go... just like that. You’re safe, I promise.” Steve whispered.

I can’t think. Why can’t I- tap, tap, tap, on the sheet.

I can’t- make the-

Where are the words?

_Steve. Where._

“I’m right here. You mean where are you?”

No no NO.

_Where Stop Words Why_

“It’s ok. Don’t force the words. They’ll come to you. You’ll-”

Everything- spinning. Why am I so- _fuck-_

“-easy... there you go. Just down into the pillows.” Steve said.

Oh, he was laying down in the bed now.

“-do you feel? It didn’t look like- did you seize?” Steve asked. He didn’t know.

_Maybe_ he tries to say. But his fingers just fumble and there’s no word there.

Tap tap tap drag drag tap-

“-you go. Eyes are closing, time to go back to sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Maybe it was a seizure. He was suddenly exhausted.

No words left to say. He went into slumber.

* * *

“-don’t know Tony, he just was clawing at his face. What does that remind you of? It had to be some sort of nightmare, yes, but he just... gave out. He just flopped over. Does it sound like a seizure?”

Someone was talking about him. Steve. Right. Hand drawn up, circle, Steve.

But his hands didn’t cooperate. It was frustrating. What was-

His hands: Slap his cheek. Frustrated.

“Tony I have to go. Call you back.”

Oh, he had noticed.

“Hey Buck, whats frustrating?” Steve asked.

He couldn’t say what was frustrating now could he? Instead, he shook his hands out and gave up.

“It’s ok, it’ll get better. Let’s get some breakfast.” Steve said. He followed wordlessly.

“Is eggs ok?” Steve asked. He had to answer. 

Answer, just answer.

Go to the fridge. Get the eggs out. Put them on the counter. Go sit down.

“Yeah, alright. You just relax.” Steve said.

Like I can relax? I had another seizure spasm and lost my words _again._ He wanted to say.

“Buck?”

What?

“You with me?” Steve asked.

Yes. There were eggs though. When-

The clock said seven minutes had passed.

Stop losing time. Stop. Focus. Tap, tap, drag, eat, tap, tap-

CHOKE

He coughed and sputtered, and Steve was up immediately, because even as Bucky calmed his breathing, his hands were on the sides of his face, just sitting in fists. Eyes screwed shut like he was trying not to go back once more into his mind.

“Come on Buck, I’m right here. It’s gone. I promise, it’s gone.” Steve said quietly. If Bucky heard him, it didn’t matter. He stormed off to their room, with Steve following, and laid down on the bed, curling in on himself. Steve sighed.

What did Sam say? Good reps.

* * *

“-buck? Yeah, there you are.” Steve said, smiling.

Where had he gone? Right, his own head. He must have been staring at the wall for-

Whatever. It didn’t matter how long.

“Want to watch TV while I brush your hair out?” Steve asked. 

That sounded nice.

Try to answer. Not an order. His choice. Tap, tap, tap, drag- can’t SPEAK-

Just stand up. Go to the TV. Of course.

“Alright, sounds good.” Steve smiled, following him with the biggest annoying smile he’d ever seen.

Well maybe not. But calm down, you’re brushing my hair, not having sex.

He sat down in the big leather chair, and Bucky sat in front of it on a pillow he guessed Steve put there.

And then those glorious fingers were massaging his scalp, pulling bits apart-

Fingernails- gently scratching but- too familiar-

Cuts- deep. Painful. Stop. STOP.

Don’t lose time. Stop. Got to- got to-

It’s just his hands. Steve’s hands. Steve’s hands. Steve. Steve. _Steve._

“-hands. My hands. Yeah. Just me. I’m so sorry, are you ok? Are you with me?”

Bucky blinked and looked up. Steve looked worried, but he was already looking happier as Bucky started to blink. It was all he could think to do.

Blink, blink, blink, tap, drag, tap, tap, tap-

“I know, I realized you didn’t like that as soon as you started breathing hard. I just couldn’t stop quickly enough. You ran over here.”

Here? Where’s here? Where-

By the TV. His back was against the wall, by the TV.

I have to show him. I want to do it again. I have to-

Get up. Sway. No, he’s got this. Go to the pillow. Sit down. Steve’s looking his way.

“Sure, yeah. Let’s try again.” Steve said.

Thank god. It feels fantastic when he brushes my hair.

Just not with sharp nails.

* * *

I don’t want food, I don’t-

Remember last time? I choked. Please remember. Give me soup. I want soup. I want- just for today- please-

“Please what?” Steve asked. 

He was _doing it._  He was signing.

_Please please please-_

He couldn’t say no. Steve would think he meant no lunch at all. Just SHOW him already.

Where was the- where?

“-you looking for?” Steve was asked.

No, come on- he didn’t hear- he couldn’t- how do you say to repeat-

“Yes what?”

No shit not right. Think. Think hard. Get the words out. You have to. Just one word.

Soup. Soup. Dominant hand- something. It didn’t matter. Use either hand.

One cupped. What’s the other? Maybe- touch your mouth? No- but he understood anyway.

Steve was holding up soup.

Bucky snatched it and put it on the table. Steve sighed. He was really having trouble. But it would get better. He carefully held up his own hands. One cupped, one with two fingers out, bring it to your mouth.

“Soup. Like this, soup.” Steve said. Bucky watched and copied him, then sighed.

He couldn’t say he remembered the mask. He couldn’t- just make it up. Make it-

Cover your mouth. Pat. Pat your head. Remember. Pat head. Pat head. Cover mouth, pat. Can’t speak. Remember choking. Remember no words. Remember-

“-gone. I promise it’s gone. It was just a dream last night Buck.” Steve tried.

I KNOW that. It’s gone- but- it’s THERE-

I feel it- I feel it- pat your mouth- pat your- I FEEL IT-

“Bucky can I kiss you? Please?” Steve asked. It was such an odd question it threw him off.

How to say yes- just show him.

Bucky leaned forward and put his hand on Steve’s cheek. His arm whirred as he did. Steve nodded like he was confirming it was ok for himself and then touched Buckys face as well.

And he leaned forward, and their lips were moving, and Steve BIT HIM, and sucked, and their tongues moved. And then he pulled back, and Buckys whole mouth tingled, and he was breathing hard-

“Where’s your mask now?” Steve asked.

T-O-N-Y he spelled. Without thinking. He was saying it. Tony took it away.

“That’s right. Great job Buck. It’s gone. Forever. Tony took it.”

And all of a sudden he’s tearing up. Tony took it. Tony. He was- Steve and Tony.

They found a way. Took it off. And Sam. His friend. His- he had other friends. One other-

Steve. They were so young- they- they-

_You don’t know what you do to me._

“-just deep breaths.”

No! This wasn’t- a fit! He was sad! He- he missed everyone- and his old life- he couldn’t remember- but if he HAD one- he wanted it back-

His hands: _Life- Back- Miss- Life- Miss- S-A-M- Miss- T-O-N-Y-_

“Ok, ok, whoa-” Steve swayed, as Bucky hugged him. He held on just as tight.

“I can’t give you your old life back. I can’t get mine either. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you remember and only can think about how you can’t go back- but- look at us. Now. Free and together and us. Til the end of the line.”

_Til the end of the line Punk._

He must have grunted or spoken, because Steve shushed him and pulled him up to wipe fresh tears off both their faces.

“I’m here. I’m never going anywhere. And we’ll call the others. Both of them. I know you can’t speak but look at you! You just signed all that! You’re getting better again. I promise this won’t last.”

Better. Signing. Better. He just had to dig into- emotions. They were so- foreign-

_Come back more_

“Yeah, more and more will come back. Just give it a few days.” Steve said, sniffing and trying to gain control again. Bucky did the same.

“Come on, let’s heat up the soup.”

* * *

Tired. It felt good. His muscles relaxed. The walk had helped. Dinner had helped. But he could smell the perspiration.

“You want a shower?” Steve asked, seeing Bucky staring at the bathroom.

Can’t really talk. Just show him. Walk to the bathroom. Look at him. Wait. Tap, tap, tap his hip.

“Ok, let me get us some fresh clothes. You can go ahead and get undressed if you want.”

Not an order. His choice. He can do it.

Go in, take off his shoes, socks, and pants. Take off his shirt. Look in the- _don’t_ look in the mirror. Hard to recognize-

Take the underwear off. Sit down on the toilet. Wait on Steve.

“-alright?”

Oh, he’s there. Talking. What do I- what do- what’s the word-

_Again._

“I asked if you were with me. If you’re feeling alright.” Steve said, crouching down to his eye level.

How to answer- just nod. Just find the way to- make it happen- just-

“That’s good. You sure you want me in there with you?” Steve asked.

Yes. Nod again.

“Alright. Just let me know if you change your mind.” Steve said.

He could change his mind. But he didn’t think he would. The shower was a little too stressful to do alone. Too hot, too steamy- trapping- too-

“Ready?”

Yes Steve.

Bucky got up and followed him into the spray, and Steve shut the glass door.

He could see out. No one sneaking up.

“Want me to wash you off Buck?” Steve asked. No, he could do it himself.

Pick up the sponge. Add the soap. Start to scrub everywhere. Steve was doing the same with his sponge. Rinse, rinse, rinse.

RESET.

No no no, don’t start thinking of that. That was cold. This is hot.

_Suffocatingly hot._

Just wash your hair. Just get it wet. Add the shampoo. Just scrub. Just- just-

Who’s hands are on my head- my hands. It’s just my- they’re so big- they did this- they made me big-

Steve stumbled, bumping him a bit into the spray. Water covered his face. He grunted and breathed hard.

Water covering the mask. Can’t breathe through the tiny holes and steam. Can’t- can’t-

RESET.

Sam was talking- Steve was there- when did he-

“-ok Buck, I’m here. Take some deep breaths for me.”

“Ssssss-” he choked out. It surprised even him.

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m sorry, that was my fault. Do you want a towel for your face?” Steve asked.

Mask- mask- MASK- help- please- make it-

_Help. Stop. Please._  

Put hand to your mouth. Pat. Mask, mask, mask. How do I- his hands- like earlier. Grab Steve’s hands. Put them on his face. Please Steve- Please just touch-

“Feel that? You feel my hands on your face? No mask. I’m touching skin.” Steve vocalized.

Yes yes yes Steve- please don’t stop- I have to rinse the soap out- I have to-

“Easy... tilt back. You don’t have to pull at it. I got it.” Steve said. Huh. He must have been pulling it.

One hand on his face. Rubbing. Tapping. Feel it.

“Skin on skin. Your cheeks are soft cause we shaved them.”

One hand in his hair. Scrubbing the soap out.

“Almost done. We just have to make sure there’s no more in there.” Steve said.

His own hands. One on Steve’s- feel him massaging your cheek- one on his hip-

Tap, tap, tap, drag, tap-

“There we go, just step out. Great job.” Steve says. They’re getting out. He turned the water off.

“-eeeelllb.”

“Of course.” Steve smiled.

He knew the word help out of Buckys slurred vocabulary any day. It didn’t matter how he pronounced it. The fact that he got it out mattered.

He took the towel and watched Bucky carefully as he toweled him off. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, just anxious. So he hurried, and started helping him into his clothes.

Underwear. Sweatpants. Shirt. Where are- yes- socks. Thank you Steve. Thank you-

“Let me get dressed, and we can turn in, alright? Or, you don’t have to. But I thought you might be tired.” Steve said.

He was... exhausted. Not like last night. No slumping down. Just tired.

“Ok, ready?” Steve asked.

Oh, he was dressed. He must have been- disassociating. That’s the word.

Bucky followed him into their room, and as soon as Steve was in bed, he crawled in and curled up to his side. Steve couldn’t help his smile.

“Can I touch you? Can I kiss you?” Steve asked.

Yes Steve. Please. Nod yes.

Steve pressed a kiss to his forehead that instantly relaxed him and put his arm around his back. It felt safe. His eyes drooped.

“Just listen to the crickets and go on to sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Steve said quietly.

Thank you Steve.

* * *

Eyes blink open. Sunlight. Steve is stirring too. He’s so- what’s the word- he just- he’s looking-

_“You don’t know what you do to me.”_

Just say it. Please work.

“Doooon knowww...” he slurred. Steve blinked awake and yawned, but he couldn’t stop his smile.

“Don’t know what?”

“Dooo ‘o me.” Bucky finished proudly. Steve laughed, and Buckys heart jumped.

“I guess you’re feeling better then.” Steve said happily.

His hands: _Words. Back. Small._

“Course they’re coming back, it was just a rough day yesterday. There’s nothing wrong with having a bad day.” Steve smiled.

Steve’s hands moved.

_Kiss?_  

_Yes Steve._

Steve pressed his lips to Buckys, and he hummed into his mouth. He loved every second of this. He loved Steve. He loved-

“Loooovvvve-” Bucky dragged out. Steve huffed our a laugh from pure joy.

“I love you too. So much.” Steve said. Bucky smiled. What should he say next? What did he- he wanted-

Two fingers out, each hand. Touch them together. Squiggle out.

“Bacon?” Steve questioned. Bucky grinned.

“Alright, let’s do it. Pancakes too. And we’ll call Sam and Tony while it cooks. How about it?” Steve asked.

That sounded perfect.

_Yes Steve._  


End file.
